(San Francisco, CA) — A group of concerned citizens have identified a grave threat to the city’s outdoor cats and unleashed dogs. An evil genius group of coyotes are exhibiting signs of intelligence and wile far beyond what is typical for their species. The SuperCoyotes, as they have come to be known, have been living in parks, apparently planning a mass takeover of the city. Records obtained by the activist group CULL (Coyotes Unwelcome to Live Locally) show that the coyotes are actually breeding and engaging in predatory behavior that is likely to result in significant emotional and financial damage to the entitled citizens of San Francisco, 2.0, California.
“They’re out there plotting to eat my poodle and pick their teeth with his bones.” said Cody Smythe, a long-time resident of Noe Valley who moved to the city in September of 2015. Trey Cummings is worried that his recently purchased $6.7 million, five story house will lose value if the city is overrun by the craven canines. “I have not actually seen one attack anyone or anything, but I know what they’re capable of” he observed “I read it online.”
CULL has successfully raised funds to hire a well known coyote expert to come to San Francisco, a posh suburb of Silicon Valley, to do battle with the critters. Roadrunner, as the expert is known, is familiar with the tactics coyotes commonly use, such as painting tunnels on rocks, setting off TNT charges and hang gliding in to kill their prey. The word is that Roadrunner has a perfect record of victory over the creatures and confidence is high that he will be able to fix the problem. When asked for comment, Roadrunner remarked “Beep Beep”, but was unavailable for further comment.