Shut up and eat your word salad.

“Word salad” is actually a clinical term referring to a symptom of mental illness.  But once she burst on the scene, Sarah Palin made that term her own by demonstrating a complete lack of knowledge about anything having to do with government.  Now, more than six years later, the popularity of rambling, incoherent media vomit has never been greater.  The tea party candidates in particular seem to believe that it is not necessary to have a point, make any 218px-Fireworks_in_San_Jose_California_2007_07_04_by_Ian_Kluft_img_9618sense or follow a thread of logic.  One must simply throw the words “liberty” or “freedom” or “our Constitution” into the diatribe.  It’s like sending up fireworks in the dark.  Audiences sit mesmerized and uncomprehending until one of those words shoots up into the sky, then the narrative all connects.  Oooh!  Aaaah!

At Steve King’s (R-Wingnut-IA) “Freedom to Bring On The Apocalypse Fest”, Former partial Governor Palin, a teleprompter malfunctioned and Sarah’s train just kept a rollin’ until it had completely derailed and carved a channel through an Iowa cornfield.  The stunning thing is that the improv was barely indistinguishable from her prepared remarks or the rantings of a particularly inarticulate and bitter schizophrenic.  You could watch the whole train wreck here, if you have the endurance, or you could enjoy some annotated highlights below.

Marco Rubio, Rick Perry, Mike Huckabee and a host of barely socialized and sociopathic GOP unknowns will vie for the title of least comprehensible and most scary over the next couple of years.  It’s an impressive field, but some of them are going to have to be further lobotomized or overdose on Sterno to catch up with Sarah.

10 Most Important Take-Aways from the State of the Union

I have listened to the state of the union address every year since I was 12.  I’m way older than that now. I mean like, a lot older.  You don’t even want to know.

Okay, full disclosure. I actually missed eight years of them when George W. Bush reported to Dick Cheney because I thought it was a little cheesy that Cheney didn’t just do them himself.  Instead, he sent that Howdy Doody motherfucker out there every year to prattle on about liberty, and how we has some real good freedoms.  I only missed those years for medical reasons because of the serial vomiting episodes that plagued me.

So.  Other than that.  Every year.  Even Reagan.  Even Nixon.poptops_sotu2015

I hear what is said and weigh it against the vision to which the President aspires balanced against the no fucking way factor of the Republican’s corporate masters.  Then I thank Aaron Sorkin for writing such a good speech and go about my business.

However, the media coverage surfaces the Most Important takeaways, sometimes before the speech is even over.  They don’t always align perfectly with my takeaways, but then, what does?  Certainly not reality and the media and their corporate masters are entitled to highlight the things they think are most important by writing about them ad nauseum with catchy headlines which are virtually identical

I’ve done a deep analysis of press coverage, taking into account how busy I was doing other things and how much I goofed off on the internet procrastinating.  That method really makes the headlines pop.  Here, then, are what seems to me to be the 10 most important messages that Americans should absorb, based on their prominence in reportage.

10.  Oooh.  Burn!  Obama really pwned that heckler.

9.  What a great comeback.

8. Do we know who was doing the heckling?  Nah, not important.

7. Something about vetoes.

6. Who writes this guys material, I mean really!  And that was an ad lib.  I’m almost sure of it.  Unless that was Ruth Bader Ginsburg who was doing the heckling.  It could have been pre-arranged, because they hugged afterward and a headline said it was the “Best Liberal Hug In The History of America.”

5. John Boehner doesn’t agree with the President very much.

4.   Joe Biden is a happy looking guy who is still pretending he’s going to maybe run for president.

3.  Someone named Joni “The Castrater” Ernst wore bread bags on her feet when she was little, but now she’s rich.

2. Something about climate or community colleges or both.

1. “I know because I won them both.” Pad um pum!  Give that President a rimshot.

The High Kulture of the Kardashians

I know you’ve all been waiting for my take on the wedding of Kim Kardashian and Kenny West.  How will that affect you and me?  A person has to wonder.  What will become of Kimye, whom I think is the brother and/or sister of the bride and/or groom?  S/he is mentioned a lot in the articles.

I’ve been told that the groom’s name is actually “Kanye”, but I think that’s a mistake.  He looks more like a Kenny to me.  It’s not really easy to tell much from my reading of the situation, which, I admit, is confined to headlines only.  Apparently, Kenny, or “Kanye” is in the entertainment business in some respect, but it is not clear what he does.  I know it involves wearing a white dinner jacket and, sometimes, sunglasses.

The bride however is much less of a cipher.  First, we know her wedding dress was stunning, as expected, because of the headline I read about it in The Huffington Post.  For those of you who are not familiar with “HuffPo”, you should check it out.  It started out as a blog about politics, society and culture, but it was acquired by AOL, the company that sent you all those discs in the 90’s. Since then, it has been giving US, People and OK   magazines a real run for the money.  The only thing the print rags are still ahead on is printing cover headlines in yellow.  HuffPo is a “tech” , “new media” kind of web site so I’m sure they’ll figure the color thing out soon.

Also, they have really specialized coverage like “Step Daughter of Divorced, Gluten Intolerant, Malaysian Yoga Instructor”.  That’s not an article.  That’s an actual section of HuffPo.  They run articles related to that topic.  Sometimes they have to stretch a little to get enough content, but you can always find the connecting thread. They have very specialized sections.

Anyway, HuffPo says the dress is stunning.  The bride is famous for a bunch of things I’m not really aware of except that she is considered to be attractive by some subjective standard that is widely shared by article-writers.  Her hair is dark in color and she has what my mother called an “ample bosom.”

I know her best as the daughter of Robert Kardashian, a lawyer who was visibly shaken when his client, Mr. O.J. Simpson of Bel Air, was found not guilty by reason of not being able to fit his hand into a misshapen glove with dried blood all over it.  The jury really had no choice.   Let me be clear, Mrs. Kenny West had nothing to do with these grisly murders or the trial as she was only a little girl at the time.  Later, her mom married a man who had been on a Wheaties box.

Kim has several siblings, although it is not clear what the gender is from their names.  They are Chloe, Kimye, Lamar, Odom, Bruce and Brody.  Her step father, who is divorced from her mother, is named Kris or Chris or Mrs. Jenner.  They are all famous and play a TV  version of themselves, kind of like the Ozzie and Harriet Show, but with more cleavage and a lot of expensive clothes.

Kim has trademarked the platform butt and will soon be marketing a drone landing pad version.