A public service of California Oak. Please use this chart for drinking games responsibly.
For reasons I don’t completely understand, the government will not just arrest these losers. I’m sure they want to avoid a Waco type of outcome. Maybe si, maybe no. But time is marching on and it’s time for them to go. Fortunately, here is an easy way forward.
Step One – Bring the legal proceeding to them. Set up a court just outside the wildlife refuge for their convenience. Subpoenas can be issued by bullhorn. Perhaps the bailiff could leave a trail of slim jims and beef jerky that would end up at the witness stand;
Step Two – Recite the charges, hear testimony and send the case to the jury. Convict expeditiously.
Step Three – Declare the Malheur Wildlife Refuge a federal prison and tell the occupiers that they no longer have the option to leave. A barbed wire fence can be erected around the refuge, designed to allow for free ranging wildlife. Perhaps a laser could detect polyester or high body fat levels and zap the inmates.
Stop Four – As part of their incarceration, they must assume responsibility for maintaining the wildlife refuge under the supervision of the staff, augmented by federal marshals. Their trucks would be confiscated and they would have to live in government provided tents. Leave no trace, boys.
Step Five – Once they start sneaking out, catch them and send them to Pelican Bay to enjoy real federal hospitality.